Archive for year: 2019

Moving on and moving forward, Amanda is still work in progress. It’s been a long journey over many years. She is evolving and developing all the time!

For years I have been a black or white person and have been wondering what makes me tick?

• Why was I born like this?
• Where is this all going?
• Is there an end to the journey?
• What is the end result?
• Why is my brain wired like this?
• Why do I get these intense feminine feelings?
• Why am I so at ease and comfortable as Amanda?
• Why do I want to be Amanda more and more?
• Why do feminine beauty treatments feel so natural to me?
• Do I want to fully transition? Some difficult thoughts and questions. No easy answers!

Some years ago I regularly went to a transgender group called Fabuliss which was based in Liphook Hampshire. It was run by a lovely married husband and wife team. The husband embraced his female side with his incredibly supportive wife. Social events were organised on a monthly basis with regular guest speakers, make up beauty demonstrations, mannerisms, deportment lessons and pageants! One could really embrace ones female side. It was a great place to be and meet up with others on the TG spectrum. Its sad end came when the wife died after a long illness. A great loss to all.

So where is all this going? Well, one event was run by a TG councillor who worked for Hampshire NHS Trust based in Portsmouth. She offered help and counselling on the NHS. I had a long chat with her at one of the meetings and made an appointment to meet up professionally and discuss Amanda. I attended four sessions that helped me come to more of an understanding about what made me tick. It also though presented some interesting data. On some psychological tests I came up as 74% female. That explained a lot! This was a few years ago and over time Amanda was becoming more and more important.

My wife wanted me to seek professional help and explore Amanda more. How would I find the right person? Well the internet came up trumps! Independently, we both googled Psychologists specialising in TG clients based within a radius of where we live. We also decided I would pay and go privately. There were 5 possible people on the search list. My wife has a medical background being a GP Practise Nurse. We both independently read up their CV’s and chatted about our listings. “Amanda,” she said, “Who do you think ticks the boxes for you?” I gave her the name. “That’s amazing,” she said. “Your number one is my number one!” Well, that answered my question. I exchanged emails with my first choice and got an appointment for a consultation two weeks later.

“You will be coming as Amanda” she asked? “Yes” I said! Well, two weeks rushed by. I was very apprehensive but knew it was the right move. I spent the morning getting dressed. Nail extensions on, full make up, Dior perfume, the full works. A dress, jacket and high heels complemented the look! I wanted her to see I was serious about Amanda. I arrived early for the appointment and knocked on her door. “Come in Amanda. Wow you look great, you are very convincing and confident!” I was instantly at ease with her. She had a lovely smile. I instantly warmed to her. We talked for over an hour. Time flew by.

“Well,” she said, “We can go on this journey together if you are comfortable opening up to me? You need to be totally open and honest with me. There may be some difficult and challenging questions and answers. We will dig deep! Are you committed?” she asked. “Do you want time to think about it?”

“No,” I said instantly. I was ready to proceed with a professional counselling course. A date was booked for the following week. I was asked to keep a diary and write up comments, observations etc after each session. Initially we met up weekly for the first few months. We then dropped to alternate weeks, then every three and then monthly. Now it’s when I need help we meet, talk, discuss, explore. We covered some ground! My note book filled up fast. When I got home I was exhausted. My brain ached! So much going on, so much to think about. Every week I was given homework to do, articles to read, internet research, books, magazine, journals etc. We discussed media postings, films, documentaries, radio programmes etc. Most weeks TG issues appear in the media.

When I got home my wife always asked me do you want to talk and discuss what went on? Most times the answer was yes over a cup of tea or glass of wine. I was taught how to cope with my TG side. To embrace and not fight it. My Psychologist got me to see life not as black or white but shades of grey. This is a much more comfortable place to be than black and white. She described my journey as a train ride. Imagine the Portsmouth to London railway. I’m now at Clapham Junction heading towards Waterloo. I’ve been at Clapham now for quite a few months. There are still more questions than answers but I am now in a much more comfortable place. At greater peace with my mind and body than I’ve been for years. Where do I go from Clapham? When will I leave Clapham ? Do I ever leave Clapham? Is Waterloo my end stop? What happens when I get there? The journey goes on! A massive grey area! Dark grey!

It’s taken me many years to accept myself. I’m really fortunate to have a wife who is very supportive and understanding and who has helped Amanda develop. We have spent many hours talking and discussing Amanda. It’s not been an easy journey but we have talked and talked and been totally open and honest with each other. I’m sure her medical background has helped enormously and during her career she has seen patients across the whole transgender spectrum. Her only request now is that when I go out I look as ‘passable’ and feminine as possible. To date I have had no surgery or hormones, but do enjoy regular beauty treatments including full body waxing and eyebrow shaping. I have pierced ears and get regular nail and eyelash extensions. I have a beautician friend whom I have known for years and she is very supportive and understanding of my needs, feelings and requirements. Most weeks I’m fortunate to spend one to two days fully en-femme and I regularly take mini breaks of up to a week, fully ‘dressed.’ I realise I’m so lucky to have this support, help and understanding.

So where is this all going? What has been achieved?

I’ve been speaking to personnel departments in local shops and companies on transgender issues and policies, including how their staff act and perceive us. Through local department stores, I’ve liaised between the shop floor staff, managers and company bosses about staff, products and TG needs and issues. This has often come about when I have been approached by women personnel managers in local stores and shops. Was I happy to give an interview? Was I a genetic female? Was I TG? Did I mind being asked questions? Was this an imposition? This did make me realise that I had perhaps been ‘read’ but I did want to help and so was more than happy to be interviewed.

On each occasion I have been asked to answer questions and talk about transgender shopping, TG issues and concerns and how their staff approached and served TG girls. This was done through interviews in their offices, telephone conversations and regular e-mail updates. I’ve even lent out my copy of ‘He or She’ by Vicky Lee on extended loan. Everyone who has read it says it should be compulsory reading and is very enlightening and informative.

All large shops have transgender policies and want to get things right and correct when dealing with us. All have said I was very confident and convincing. Some asked was I full-time? Have I had surgery?And some even thought I was a genetic female – What a compliment! All I have spoke to say the TG scene is now mainstream, there are loads of us out there! The more informed they are, the more they can help us realize our dreams.

This has opened up many doors and invitations for Amanda to attend. For example police forces have departments and policies regarding transgender issues. I was first approached by a young woman in plain clothes who said she was a police officer working on TG, gay and lesbian issues and hate crimes. She showed me her warrant card and again we just started talking. She wondered if I had ever had any dealings with the police when dressed?  The answer was yes, (as I’m sure many of us have) twice, while out driving. On both occasions, male officers stopped me on spot-check road blocks. Questions were asked, details checked and I was off. Both times the officers were very courteous, pleasant and polite. Both wished me a good evening and told me to keep safe and enjoy myself. Following on from this, I have again exchanged emails and met up and talked with the Police Liaison Officer. I’m so pleased that these links have been really good at helping me promote the TG Community.

None of this would have occurred or even been considered a few years ago. I now have the confidence to go out as Amanda and give help and advice to to others and to encourage those just starting their journey. What about future plans and ideas? I’m exploring TG counselling courses. Again, I feel I could give a lot back after after my journey of exploration and discovery. Also, I can’t wait to have more time to spend fully en-femme. Who knows where I might end up! How far will Amanda go? It’s so exciting!

The whole transgender scene has come on hugely over the last few years. The internet, media, books and publications, the Beaumont Society have all helped play a massive part in this change and move. Publications such as Repartee and Transliving have been inspirational. Cross-dressing and the TG scene are far more open today and mainstream. I’m meeting more and more people, employers, companies, workers etc. who will back this statement up. Ask the lingerie departments, the personal shoppers in the large department stores, the small boutique owners. You really are not alone out there!

Finally, what would my advice be to others? As I’ve said before, be open and honest with everyone you meet. I know it’s especially hard with ones’ partner and those closest to us. I know this is not easy; it can cause a lot of friction and be a complete minefield. But ask for help if need be. Join a local support group, perhaps even get some counselling. Above all enjoy yourself and get out in to the ‘real world.’ It’s great fun out there. Life is a massive adventure! Embrace it! You won’t regret it!

The Beginnings (Part 1)

It all started in a pub years ago when I was a student with a group of friends. We were all going to a friends 21st birthday party fancy dress party in a few weeks time. Two of my female friends suggested I would look great dressed as a woman. Both commented on my naturally long eye lashes and nicely shaped legs! I did have shorts on! Jenny and Sue would provide me with everything needed to do the transformation. No half measures. Not the man in a dress look with hairy legs, chest and arms. A convincing female. Was I up for it? It was to be a full on transformation! Well, with some trepidation I agreed to the dare. Both girls insisted I removed body hair to look as passable and realistic as possible. A razor and hair removing cream would do the job. Two days before the party I removed all my body hair as requested. To my surprise I really enjoyed the experience of feeling really smooth all over.

Saturday morning arrived, the day of the party. I was asked to arrive at Jenny’s mid morning as there was lots to do to transform me. I was slightly apprehensive on the drive over to Jenny’s parents house. Luckily they were away on holiday caravanning in France. Both girls told me I would need to hide my male parts and gave me some surgical tape. With my tackle secured, I slipped on Jenny’s matching lacy panties, padded bra, and an under slip. A convincing cleavage was also created using the surgical tape. I was the given a pink dressing gown and sat down in a chair for the transformation. Full make up was then applied, toe and finger nails painted, eye brows tamed, a wig put on my head and then a collection of their outer clothes. Sue gave me a new pair of nude coloured tights which looked and felt amazing on my hairless legs. I was then dressed in high heels, short leather skirt, pink top and black leather jacket. The clothes fitted really well. Luckily Jenny’s black high heels fitted really well. Walking was a different story. Not easy! This was complemented by jewellery, clip on ones Jenny bought me as my ears were not pierced then and accessories including a handbag and then finishing off with a liberal spraying of Dior Perfume.

You need a female name Jenny said. Any ideas? I paused for a minute then came out with the name Amanda. Why this name? Well, I fancied at the time a girl called Amanda. Amanda was born in the form of a “Rock Chick.” I was shocked when I saw my reflection in the full size mirror. I looked and felt amazing. I had never dressed on femme before. Deep inner feelings were triggered off. I had never experienced these feelings before. It felt very strange! Jenny and Sue then dressed as Punks, wearing ripped black bin bag dresses showing off red underwear to shock, spiked up coloured hair and outrageous eye make up. Both looked amazing and unrecognisable!

To my horror they then insisted that we went for a drink in a local pub before the party. It was my first adventure out in public! I felt very vulnerable leaving the house fully feminised and getting into a car. I kept looking at my skirt, legs, shoes, nails etc. It felt very strange but, I was really enjoying the whole experience. Both girls put me at ease saying I that I looked fantastic. Just have fun and enjoy yourself. Unknown to me other friends were in the pub all fully dressed before the party in a local village hall. Nobody recognised me or batted an eyelid. At the party friends were amazed at how convincing I looked. Girls came up to me and said I had a lot of bottle to go full on en femme. I felt great! It felt natural. It felt exciting! I had a fantastic time and really enjoyed the party. I did not want it to end. Little did I know that this initial step into the feminine world would have so much impact on my life. Amanda was born nearly 40 years ago! A turning point in my life! The events and memories of that Saturday are still vivid in my mind!

The Beginnings (Part 4)

By now I was truly out! Many friends now knew about Amanda. We deliberated for ages as to whether to tell our son. We did when he was in his early 20’s. We were very unsure how he would react. To our astonishment totally unfazed! He totally understood and said it did not matter one iota! He had gay friends but no trans friends. He said he guessed years before that I was different but no issues! What a relief! Amanda has really grown and developed over the last few years! For a long time she had to fit in with work. It was not an easy time but, I’m now retired and can be Amanda far more regularly. I have wanted to present as a female more and more. Beauty treatments are now a regular feature. Eye brows plucked, shaped, waxed, tinted! All body hair removed by waxing and shaving, nail extensions and eye lash extensions added and worn whenever possible, toe nails always painted and spray tans for a natural summer look. I also stated to wear perfume. My confidence was growing all the time. By now I had built up a huge network of supportive friends. Lynne was instrumental in sorting out my hair. She set up Femesque as a consequence of us meeting years before. Girlfriends in the beauty, fashion world were a great help in developing my looks and style. Over the years I have built up a network of TG supportive beauticians, the lists go on! As I’ve said in previous blogs TG supportive groups and societies have been a great help. The Beaumont Society, Fabuliss in Liphook now sadly no longer, Roses Repartee, Transliving , The Surrey Outcrowd have all been embraced. The internet has really been helpful in finding out more and answering questions. Going away en femme to transgender weekends has given me a new perspective and look on the TG Scene. Being asked to talk to groups and people about TG issues has been a great way to gain confidence and give a little back. The Surrey Swans Group has given me openings and opportunities including like with the Police. The TG scene is now far more oped, out and main stream. A lot of my female supportive friends are getting far more enquiries for help, advice and support. Shops are happy to arrange TG events and functions. Personal shopping is freely available in many top shops and companies. Local department stores have asked for advice on how to help, support and embrace the TG Community. So where is all this going? Well I’m so fortunate to have such a supportive wife. She still finds it challenging but we keep talking and exploring. She was very supportive when I started laser hair removal. She also suggested I start having professional TG Counselling which I have been doing for a couple of months.

The Beginnings (Part 2)

After the fancy dress party my mind was spinning! We drove back to Jenny’s house, my head was still spinning! I loved the feel of female clothing, a hairless body, make up and was fascinated by the whole feminisation process. Was this normal? Why was I like this? Could I be Amanda again? How could I keep her secret? I was muddled and confused. I had no female clothes of my own. Who could I talk to and share Amanda with? Over a coffee Jenny and I started to chat. Something has happened inside you tonight she said. Something inside you has been triggered off. I’ve been watching you during the evening, you were totally natural! I could see you were enjoying being Amanda and you were fully embracing the whole feminisation process. You look great she said. My clothes fitted you really well. Your legs look great in tights and wearing high heels you were a natural! I never imagined you would go this far! It was really late now! You had better start removing my clothes and make up. You can stay the night if you want in the guest room. Keep the bra, panties and tights on if you like and you can borrow a night dress of mine! Your secrets are safe with me. Amanda was born! In the morning all traces of Amanda were removed including all traces of bright pink nail varnish. We chatted over breakfast. I had no answers! Just lots of questions. Jenny listened, you can keep the tights as a reminder of the evening she smiled, we hugged and said goodbye. This was the late seventies! Amanda would have to go back into her box. I was also in my last year at college training to be a teacher. I would have to put her on the back burner and knuckle down to working for exams and looking for a job. A few months later I started going out with a nurse who was eventually going to be my wife. I was terrified to tell her of Amanda, a fantasy in my mind fearing she might reject me. This was a really hard choice! It was years ago. I was very confused! The TG scene was not really open . It was emerging from the under ground! There was little openly published and no internet to research on, nobody to ask.

We did get married eventually and bought an old Victorian house that needed a complete refurbishment. I had also started a demanding teaching job in a big comprehensive and my wife working in the large local hospital. Again a fancy dress party reared its head. My wife and a girl friend of hers suggested I would make a good looking woman. Little did she know! I loved the idea and went along with it. This time I was going in a nurses uniform. Again the full works! Hair removal was a requirement along with a nurses uniform, starched apron and hat, UCH London! My wife insisted I was fully feminised. She hated seeing men halfheartedly dressed en femme at parties. She borrowed my uniform from her friend Clare. My wife was a size 10 and I was a 14-16. Clare let her borrow her uniform, a dress , apron, hat , shoes and underwear! This was to include black stockings, suspenders, lingerie and a full length slip! After a hot bath the transformation took place. I was given a full make over including toe and finger nails painted, eyebrows trimmed and shaped. Getting fully feminised again was an incredible sensation. I had never worn stockings and suspenders before or a full length under slip. I was in heaven! My wife went dressed rather conservatively to me. She borrowed a hospital theatre gown and went as theatre nurse. We had a great time at the party. I loved every moment and the attention I was getting. Memories flooded back from my first adventure en femme. It felt totally natural as Amanda.

After the party the floodgates opened. We drove home, I was very quiet! What’s the matter she asked? I did not want to take the clothes off. Amanda was out of the box! She was never going back in! We talked for most of the night. Was I gay? Did I want a sex change? No! Why did you not tell me? What’s wrong with me? Am I not attractive? What will neighbours, friends, family etc. think or say? You’re not the man I married. It was a massive shock for her. Being a nurse she had experience with transexuals and transgendered people professionally but, now she was married to one. I need time to work thing out, I still love you but, where is this all going? It took several years to sort out and come to terms with and, amazingly she has supported me fully along the way. You can’t help the way your brain is wired she said. I’m very fortunate to have her. Ground rules needed to be worked out. If you are going to go out as Amanda regularly you need to look convincing and passable. A wardrobe will need to be created.

She does not want to get very actively involved though. She lets me dress at home and go out regularly with the proviso that if a going out in public I must look as convincing as possible. We do go out several times a year as two girls. Achieving my female persona has been far easier than I thought possible. Honesty and openness have greatly helped. I approached a local beauty salon in male mode and explained my desire to dress regularly as a woman and create a feminine image. “No problem” was the answer. “How far do you want to go? A full body wax arms, legs and chest was suggested along with eyebrow waxing and shaping. Was I up for it? Yes I was! The girls who ran the salon wanted to see Amanda dressed. Was I up for that? Yes was the answer. A date was booked for the following week and Amanda emerged smooth and shaped. The finished results were slightly painful but really worth it. The girls recommended I purchased an Epi Lady and wet shaved to keep smooth. The combination works really well. Amanda was now fully out of the box. There was no going back!

PS. Jenny is still a really close friend, she knows all about Amanda and how she has evolved to what she is today. We talk about her regularly but, she has kept her secrets as promised!